Saturday, August 22, 2015

If At First You Don't Offend, Push Harder on The Person!

Let me review some things. I am posting about the Cycle of Conflict in marriage, family and work relationships. In fact, in any relationship where people are emotionally close. If they are too close, there is a temptation to EASILY REACT to the person they care for most.

Mom dearly loves baby Joanie and wants her to be a perfect little girl that makes mommie proud.  When Joanie and Mommie are in agreement, they feel so close to each other emotionally. Mommie feels strongly that she is a good mother and that her little girl will always make her and the family proud. There seems to be perfect harmony in the home and they are CONTENTED.

However, Mommie feels so close to her little girl that the slightest disagreement seems to be a major emotional blow.  causing Mommie to REACT with fear and anger. If Joanie refuses to come an hug her, Mommie can feel a strong urge to COMPLAIN to Joanie in an attempt to get her to comply.

COMPLAINTS: Using an I Statement to communicate directly what we want.  

A COMPLAINT is a direct statement such as, "Joanie, darling, Mommie really needs a hug right now. Would you please stop watching those cartoons and give me a nice, warm hug?

This relationship is headed for Toxic Conflict. Does it seem to you to be in danger of a collapse and an emotional fight? Why or why not?

As Joanie gets older and develops her own ideas and friends, she is more and more likely to resist her mother's desire for a very close emotional relationship. If Mom does not change her behavior and continues to push her daughter to be very close, her COMPLAINTS can easily turn into CRITICISMS.

COMPLAINTS: Using an I Statement to communicate directly what we want.

CRITICISMS:  A vague blaming with "You" statements.  The focus is on the Person person not Person's behavior.       
 It is getting dangerously close to TOXIC territory.

My book on family interactions has a lot of teaching about these kinds of issues. If you want o be healthier, go to my web page. How To Be Me in My Family Tree!

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