Anger Quiz about my Stage of Conflict Intensity

Why is it so easy to attack others? Why do I so enjoy attacking people with whom I disagree?

I recently met with a fine, well educated, Christian guy who, in a burst of honesty and humility said something like, "I often feel like I really want to slap some of these Christians. (Pause) And, I find it really easy to condemn those rigid Pharisees on Facebook. (Laughter) Then it hits me that I too  am a rigid Pharisee! (Shakes head!)

Are you ever tempted to attack other people on Facebook? Do you think of a lot of really smart aleck ways to humble or humiliate those stupid people who voted for _________ ? Or the Calvinists who really irritate you with those Five Points? I don't blame you. So do I!

I usually resist the temptation to "Pin their ears back and make them see the light." Those judgmental ________ really need to preach the gospel and stop being so mean. They are%^$#@%%%^ for not being as gracious and merciful as I"

Uh Oh!

Here is a little quiz I came up with to see how angry we are. During an argument with a member of my family do I respond with? 1. Contentment? 2. Complaining? 3. Criticism? or 4. Contempt? 

Level of Interpersonal Interaction	Resulting Personal State
1.  Contented:  At peace with others	1.  Relaxed.  Thinking and feeling calm Male heart rate:  72  Female: 80
You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.  But I tell you that	Jesus brings a new teaching about caring in addition to physical relationships. This is critically important in family life.
2. Complaint:  A specific behavioral statement.  "I" statements (I want, I think, I don't like. Some anger	2.  Slight anxiety & fear.  Increased heart rate- BPM & breathing muscles tense. Minor Fight/Flight
…anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. (Attack or Attend?)	Be careful about  anger, bitterness and rage. It is not always a sin but it must be handled carefully. Judge ourselves or we shall be judged
3.  Criticism:  A vague blaming. "You" statements.  Focus on person not behavior.  A flaw in person.  Global statements.  Somewhat attacking.	3. Raised anxiety, fear, blood pressure; increased BPM& breathing; muscles tighten, eyes dilate, reduced digestion, elevated blood sugar, etc.       Increase in Flight/Fight
Anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca’, is answerable to the Sanhedrin.	Raca is calling a brother or sister “stupid” or a failure. (*Note Bitter Root below)
4.  Contempt:  Personal insult, shame mocking attacks on the character sense of self, and identity.  Opposite of admiration, no respect.	4.  High anxiety and stress. Feel heart beat. Shallow breathing fight/flight response         hyper vigilant, brain freezes Reactive
One who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the hell fire. Mt 5:21-22	Character attacks cause severe emotional wounds.
5.  Consuming defenses:  Immediately reject all communication.  All-out Attack	5.  Severe emotional & physical anxiety. Can’t think. Feelings rule. Fight/Flight.  Shake and Tremble
6.  Crushing physical response. Acts out by withdrawal or aggressively pursuing the other. Cycle of Miscommunication/ misunderstanding.	6.  Emotional flooding - A chronic state of hyper vigilance and hypersensitive self-talk along with emotional pain, reactivity, bitterness, mental freezing, rage, etc.
7.     Complete Isolation: withdrawal.     a.  Problems impossible to solve          b.  Talking is useless            c. Hopeless           d.  Overwhelmed	7.  Too painful to interact with rational discourse.  Filled with constant thoughts of attack and condemnation. Must either stay away from the person or fight them with bitterness. Divorce, church splits, etc

                                                           

© Gary Sweeten, Ed. D., Sweeten Life Systems www.sweetenlife.com adapted from Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty and from John Gottman, Ph.D. Why Marriages  Succeed or Fail, Firestone Press, 1994.