My peace I give you...Jesus

 Come in for Joy and Peace!

It was not until I studied Family Systems that I began to see why the Bible in general and Jesus in particular focused so much on peace.  Chronic Anxiety is the glue that holds toxic habits in place and makes them so hard to break.

One of the most important concepts in family systems has to do with the debilitating role of anxiety in causing us to act in a non-functional manner. None of us grew up in an anxiety free home. Even if we did we would not be free from anxiety because it is a primary result of our Fallen Nature. 

Anxiety and habitual practices conspire together in such a way that each of us tends to play a consistent “Role” in our family of origin. Family life is similar to a dance in which each of us hears the music of past practices and relational expectations and we tend to instinctively fall into proscribed roles and relationships. Habitual practices are hard to break. I am typing this on Windows 95 after using a Macintosh system for about ten years. Just now I performed, or tried to perform, a Mac function on Windows. Needless to say it did not work. But old habits are hard to break.

It isn’t that we can’t change those roles for we can and do change them in other circumstances and settings. At school I chose a different role than I did at home. The way my parents described my behavior would have shocked my teachers. However, to change a family role with the people closest to us is not an option. It is rarely even considered. “It is, an unthinkable thought.” 

We do not think about making a change to a behavior that is as natural as breathing. We simply breathe the way we have always breathed. We have always danced in that manner when we hear that music. Learning a new step is not even an option. Then, in a class or counseling session, we learn that the ways we have always acted is harmful. Now what do we do? How do we go about making changes in our dance?

You have probably heard this definition of insanity. 

Insanity is doing the same old things the same old ways and expecting different results.

Yet, most of us go through life doing exactly that. We try to change outcomes but we do not change our patterns. We do the same old things the same old ways and simply cannot understand why things do not change. This leads us to another old saw. 

The more we do what we have always done, the more we get what we always got.

The more anxious or reactive we are as a family the more we tend to become unthinkably “stuck” in a certain pattern, dance or role. The deeper the rut into which we are stuck the greater is the difficulty of bringing change. Growing up in the country we saw what happened when vehicles continually drove on muddy roads in the same ruts. Before long the ruts were so deep that it was impossible to get out of them.

It is popular among “recovery” workers to talk about the differing roles played by members of an addict’s family. A different view, however, reveals that all families produce complementary roles in its members. The roles of addicts may be more entrenched but they are not unique. All families produce roles that are difficult to change.

Our family life produces in us not only deeply patterned, specific habit patterns but also a whole lifestyle of interacting habits and reinforcing behaviors, thoughts and feelings. One neat thing about system’s thinking is its ability to partially explain how and why a lifestyle is so hard to change. It also gives us insights into the music we have danced to all our lives and some innovative ways to change the music face the music or change your dance steps. It may also help you decide to stop dancing all together.  

Are there any habits you want to change in you that is resisted by your family and friends? For example, have you tried to quit smoking only to find people offering you free smokes? Have you ever tried to diet to discover friends and family invite you to their feasts? Why does that happen? It is called "The Change Back Reaction". The "system" gets anxious when you get health and operates in ways designed to get you to "Change Back".

 Our books and videos are all geared to support positive changes to escape from INSANITY! But, be careful! You may not be ready to risk getting better. For example, by just drawing a simple Genogram of your family of origin will start you on a change process. Then, if you start asking your parents and siblings about "Skeletons in the Closet" things will really get uneasy!But if you have the courage, try anyway and see what I mean by "Change Back".