Mature Christians Can Handle Conflict #20.

                                                 The Cycle of Conflict Intensity

 Dr. John Gottman researched why marriages succeed or fail and discovered one main cause of marital breakdown: Couples that attack rather than attend. I developed a scale to show Healthy versus unhealthy relationships, including marriages. If you handle differences as shown in #1. and #2. you will very likely have a long and successful marriage and family life. If you constantly handle differences like those people in #4. onward, either stop attacking your partner or get a divorce lawyer. 

Level of Interpersonal Interaction	Resulting Personal State
1.  Contented:  At peace with others	1.  Relaxed.  Thinking and feeling calm Male heart rate:  72  Female: 80
You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.  But I tell you that	Jesus brings a new teaching about caring in addition to physical relationships. This is critically important in family life.
2. Complaint:  A specific behavioral statement.  "I" statements (I want, I think, I don't like. Some anger	2.  Slight anxiety & fear.  Increased heart rate-BPM & breathing muscles tense. Minor Fight/Flight
…anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. (Attack or Attend?)	Be careful about  anger, bitterness and rage. It is not always a sin but it must be handled carefully. Judge ourselves or we shall be judged
3.  Criticism:  A vague blaming. "You" statements.  Focus on person not behavior.  A flaw in person.  Global statements.  Somewhat attacking.	3. Raised anxiety, fear, blood pressure; increased BPM& breathing; muscles tighten, eyes dilate, reduced digestion, elevated blood sugar, etc.       Increase in Flight/Fight
Anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca’, is answerable to the Sanhedrin.	Raca is calling a brother or sister “stupid” or a failure. (*Note Bitter Root below)
4.  Contempt:  Personal insult, shame mocking attacks on the character sense of self, and identity.  Opposite of admiration, no respect.	4.  High anxiety and stress. Feel heart beat. Shallow breathing fight/flight response                hyper vigilant, brain freezes Reactive
One who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the hell fire. Mt 5:21-22	Character attacks cause severe emotional wounds.
5.  Consuming defenses:  Immediately reject all communication.  All-out Attack	5.  Severe emotional & physical anxiety. Can’t think. Feelings rule. Fight/Flight.  Shake and Tremble
6.  Crushing physical response. Acts out by withdrawal or aggressively pursuing the other. Miscommunication and Misunderstanding Cycle	6.  Emotional flooding - A chronic state of hyper vigilance and hypersensitive self-talk along with emotional pain, reactivity, bitterness, mental freezing, rage, etc.
7.     Complete Isolation: withdrawal.     a.  Problems impossible to solve          b.  Talking is useless            c. Hopeless           d.  Overwhelmed	7.  Too painful to interact with rational discourse.  Filled with constant thoughts of attack and condemnation. Must either stay away from the person or fight them with bitterness. Divorce, church splits, etc

                                                           

© Gary Sweeten, Ed. D., Sweeten Life Systems adapted from John Gottman, Ph.D. Why Marriages  Succeed or Fail, Firestone Press, 1994. Get My books from the eBook store.