A Double Bind
Communication Pattern is any verbal injunction that can only be obeyed when it
is disobeyed. And, it is the chronic
presence of a no-win communication pattern that induces neurotic thoughts and
feelings.
Some people have become
masters at living Double Bind Communication Patterns. However, the ability to excel
in communicating with Double Binds always comes at others’ expense. A Master of the Double Bind seemingly has the
ability to verbally cause his/her Victims to feel like losers. When we are
caught in toxic Double Binds our automatic response is “Guilty as charged”. (I say “seemingly” because we can teach you
how to stop accepting the “False Guilt” that is engendered by Double Bind
talk.)
For example, a Double Bind connoisseur
can find failure in even the best performances. Straight A’s in school melt in
the glaring light of the subtle tone of disappointment and scorn from the Double
Binder with a Black Belt in Shaming. A child can never win if Momma is insecure
because of her child’s success. Yes, we
usually learn the Double Bind system and develop an automatic false guilt
reaction at our momma’s knee.
But that is not the worst
part of it. The most personal devastation and emotional destruction arises not
from the unkind cuts of others but from the Double Bind Master unleashes that
toxicity upon himself through self talk ruminations. God gave us a brain with a high quality, high
speed audio-video camera that records and replays life in a distorted manner
within the confine of our skull. However, because of the Fallen Nature, our
brain is damaged. The brain’s automatic default position is fight or flight.
Dr. Andrew Newberg, M.D. is a
Psychiatric Neurologist who is an expert at using cutting edge technology to
watch what happens to the brain when we pray, sing, worship, read and think
about sensitive topics. He and Mark Waldman have studied the brain for decades
and have concluded that “Human beings have a neurological and biological
propensity to act in profoundly hostile ways” toward others and self.
When this hostility is turned
toward the self it cuts a deep route of chronic and consistent Pessimism about
life. If a child suffers from trauma or a Double Bind environment more than
likely he or she will have a painful emotional tear around that memory. If the
pain level of the original pain is 5.0 on a 10.0 point scale, the chronic repeating
of the thought can cause it to rise to a level ten or one hundred times as
toxic. Rumination over and over of any negative event can lead the person to a
lifestyle of depression, shyness and mental disorder.
As children we are wonderful
observers of life but terrible interpreters of meaning. We observe and remember how others treat us
with Double Binds and then replay those events with great speed and accuracy
for days on end until a habitual mental process of self talk is deeply embedded
into the heart and mind. We carry our
own toxic ideas and self talk with us wherever we go, adding to its strength
and disgust on a daily basis even if we have forgotten the original events.
The primary result of living
in a Double Bind System is the inability to discern what kind of behavior will
be rewarded and what will be punished.
It is an intuitive law of our human nature based on the imago Dei nature
God gave us to seek pleasure and avoid pain. However, in a Double Bind
Relational System, the child, church member, employee or citizen is unable to
predict when an action will be affirmed and when it will be rejected. Our
Pessimism will drive our Perceptions and distort them beyond imagination. This
leaves us with a deeply anxious inability to make decisions lest we be punished
and not know why.
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