Love and Healing

An Israeli soldier helps a Muslim woman and her children find refuge from war.

There has been a lot of research on what kind of behavior facilitates healing in body, soul and spirit. And, not surprisingly, we find that caring, kindness, patience, gentleness and tenderness brings about positive changes in the bodies and behaviors of other people.

Many years ago, Richard Walters did his doctoral research on the effect of a Helper's behavior on someone seeking assistance. He hooked students up to an instrument that could measure their pupils while they were listening to taped comments by actors who pretended to give them advice and counsel.

Some of the comments were written to emulate care, warmth and respect while others communicated harsh judgment and rejection or something in between the two. As the students listened to the taped statements the pupilometer was measuring the automatic response of the listener's pupil. When they heard a harsh, rejecting statement, the pupils became larger and when they heard a caring, understanding statement the pupils relaxed and became smaller.

Large pupils indicate an automatic bodily and emotional reaction to threat. Stress was immediately communicated from the taped comments to the listeners and their bodies reacted in defensiveness when they heard actors play a harsh role. Just imagine how threatened a child or spouse reacts when they are interacting daily with an intimate threat.

This is why volatile, angry, shaming families have such high stress levels. It is called, "The Fight or Flight Syndrome and leaves family members reeling for decades and, just as the Bible says, even generations from their inner pain. The scriptures are so amazingly accurate in their psychological and emotional and relational insights.

There are no fancy ten dollar words used to describe what happens when we are bitter and lash out a the ones we love and live with, but there certainly are powerful simple truths written for our benefit and the benefit of a hundred generations if we will simply follow them. Proverbs has dozens of useful and powerful insights on the inherent power of relationships to destroy or heal. Death or life are in the power of the tongue! is one of my favorites.

Another is found in Ephesians 5 and says, "It is OK to be angry but remember not to miss the mark with your frustrations and hold it in until the days pass and you become bitter and take revenge on one another." As a Marriage and Family Therapist now retired I have seen so many marriages and families deeply wounded by bitterness when forgiveness would quickly solve the problems.

Take a few days and wander through the book of Proverbs and write down some of the wise statements about the power of relationships for good or ill. It will do you good and the people around you will benefit. "A gentle word turns away anger."