Relapse into Stinking Thinking

A few minutes ago I was tempted to relapse back into "Stinking Thinking" and start to beat myself up. I heard the still small voice of, "You Dumkoff! You left out an entire phrase and that sentence made NO sense. Now everybody who reads the Blog and Facebook will also see how stupid you really are."

Wow! It certainly does not take long to fall back into old habits of the fallen, broken brain. But, thankfully, I remembered my pledge to never, ever disrespect God's word and His promises again and treat myself like a no good, dirty, stupid worm that deserves a good beating! (I made that pledge way back when I was struggling mightily against anxiety and fear and workaholism.) I am still tempted to sin but today I do not usually relapse very long before I catch myself and stop the madness! (Thanks to Scott for that last bit of advice.)

I try to remember that Relapse is nearly always a part of Recovery! Alcoholics are known to relapse. Smokers are known to Relapse. Over-eaters are known to Relapse. Chocoholics are known to Relapse and so are those Addicted to Stinking Thinking.

By Relapse I don't mean a full blown binge, although if we don't handle the false Guilt and False Shame well a small Relapse can turn really ugly and push us into an in-depth binge. In fact, when I was deeply engaged in Addictive Self Pity and Self Destruction it could take only one small slip of the tongue to send me reeling into a roller coaster of self-hatred and mental, emotional,spiritual Depression.

One time I came home from preaching and was deeply disturbed. Karen, my ever loving and up building wife, was wonderfully affirming about the sermon and how it was delivered. But I was Eyore and fell into a funk of self-pity and self immolation that left her with grunts and grumbles as responses. She asked, "What is wrong with you?" I replied, "That sermon was terrible." She said, "What was wrong with it?"

My answer was a classic for those of us who are into perfectionist of self behavior analysis. "I said uh three times!"

If saying "Uh" or "You know" sends people to hell for failing God not many preachers will be in heaven. Yet, those small mistakes of anxiety led me to a deep sense of failure and anger at myself.

So, a Relapse is not falling back into a permanent state of being an Eyore, but even a temporary state of allowing the Pre-Christian part of my brain take over for a few minutes of Ruminating on some self perceived lack of perfection. But, don't worry about me. I can resist anything but temptation.

Meditate or Ruminate

The Bible tells us to Meditate on God and the Word of God. At the same time, it warns us not to Ruminate on things of the world.

Psalm 4:1 Answer me when I call, Oh God of my righteousness

Be gracious to me and hear my prayer

4:3 You must know that the Lord has set apart the godly man for himself

4:5 So tremble and do not miss the mark

Meditate in your heart upon your bed and be quietly peaceful before him

Godly believers have been set apart for God so rest in him and meditate on him.

Have you ever learned to meditate? Meditation means to ponder, consider, chew over and over in our heart, mind and spirit. Prayer can be done quickly and usually consists of telling God what we think He is missing. Meditation is focusing on God and Listening to what He wants us to think about and do.

The best way to do that is to find a place where we can rest, be quiet and relax for awhile. Let the peace of God descend upon on us and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal herself to us.

Then breathe deeply and allow the Spirit to bring passages of the Bible and godly events into our mind and heart. Think about God, his mercy, grace, goodness and provision. Praise him and sing songs of joy and blessings. Worship and praise allow us to rethink what God is saying to us.

This is Meditation.

Rumination is like meditation in that it happens when we focus our minds and hearts on anything but God. The focus is on our sins, guilt, works, disaster, fleshly desires and condemnation. It leads to spiritual exhaustion and emotional death. The Bible says, "I have set before you death or life so choose life." Why do we choose death so often when we Ruminate?

I was a world class RUMINATOR. I used Ruminations to motivate me to achieve more and defeat others. When I Ruminated I got mad.

First I was mad at me. Then I was mad at someone else. I was mad a lot. I was defensive, divisive, proud of my ability to "Speak the truth" but I discovered that I was bitter not better; judgmental not helpful; harmful not helpful.

I needed to change. It took a long time but I am getting better. I will tell more about how later.