Conflict and Communication in Marriage, Politics and Religion 4

Attacking comes in a relationship when I am overly REACTIVE to others. It especially easy to get reactive with the people I love. Family members are usually more Reactive to others than to strangers because they mean so much to us. 

If a drunken stranger said nasty things to me I would overlook it. However, if my spouse or child utters a mean or uncaring remark I react with anger or deep pain.

Jesus said when we are angry we are in danger of being judged. Anger can cause damage to a relationship.  In the Cycle of Conflict mentioned in a former post, I correlated the teachings of Jesus with Gottman’s research to show what happens when we get reactive in a relationship.

Why are divorces so high among conservative Christians? Is it our faith? No, it is our tongue that kills because we have no healthy way of releasing anger. Disaster and divorce occur when a couple, business partnership or church fellowship cannot resolve differences without anger, name calling and character attacks . 

We can use a scale to quantify the depth of damage our reactions cause in a relationship. We get a better idea about the impact of our words. Instead of saying the elephant is big we need to describe exactly how big it is. One of the research projects that deeply influenced me to write on this topic for a dissertation was focused on whether or not the Bible was correct when it said things like, Death or life are in the power of the tongue. Proverbs 18:21

Richard Walters  hooked volunteers up to an instrument that measured the size of their pupils. He then played actors saying different things on a recording and had the volunteers listen to see what happened to the pupils. To his shock, the size of the pupils varied in a way that mirrored what the actors were saying and how they said it. 

A harsh message brought about wider pupils and a caring statement relaxed pupils. These results tended to verify the passage in Proverbs.

This leads me to conclude that Jesus was exactly right. 

Contentment or Peace brings a relationship life.
Anger brings danger.
Attacking a person's intellect brings judgment!
Attacking a person's character brings hell!!

Peacemakers are not Reactive so they do not attack. They are calm and peaceful. They attend to each person's ideas and feelings. They have no open prejudices or hidden agendas.  Peacemakers are not emotionally reactive because of their own pain.

Attackers bring previous hurts into the relationship. Their attacks are actually about unresolved personal issues. For example, think about a woman whose grandfather was a violent alcoholic.  She marries a man who likes to drink beer with the buddies after work and she goes into a rage. She does not think and say, “When I see you drinking it reminds me of Grandpa Jones. He was a drunk that beat my mom. Please do not drink more than one beer.” 

More than likely that small even brings a big reaction. She might attack him for being a bad husband and father or for coming home late. It is emotional irrational but she may be blind to her own issues. 

I knew a man whose mom abandoned the family. He was paranoid about his wife's behavior. Anytime she went out he was very suspicious. Additionally, he insisted that his daughter dress like an old woman.  His past wounds were still in control of him daily. 

Until I am healed I cannot be a peacemaker. My lack of peace automatically brings reactivity into my relationships. 

Want to be at peace? Click for healing.