Divorce of Parents with Kids who have Special Needs

I mentioned that when a couple discovers their child has a severe disability, the likelihood of divorce is very high. Many writers, researchers and professional service providers use the divorce rate of 85%. That is high. Very high. Why?

Marital harmony is a challenge for any couple. Disagreements, conflicts and learning to live together requires a lot of hard work, patience and an ability to overlook the idiosyncrasies of a mate. After the sexual drive, the honeymoon and the stage of fascination is over the real work begins. then a child arrives and the fun begins.

It is rare for any two people to agree on the discipline, feeding, sleeping, and educating of a child. Cracks appear in the unity of the couple and the child, whose psychological insights about the rearing of parents far exceeds the wisdom of parents about child rearing,intuitively decides she likes the parents better when they are divided, pushes them farther and farther apart.

When a child comes along who has a severe disability, the false guilt, shame and disappointment of one or both parents is intense. Mom usually has more of this volatile mix of nasty self loathing and begins to over function as a care giver toward the child. Now let it be said immediately that female over functioning toward a child in our culture is the norm. But hell hath no fury like a mother with a sick child.

Where does this leave dad? On the outside looking longingly at his former loving wife whose entire life is now spent in prayer and fasting for her wounded offspring. If this continues, as often is the case, and dad works hard but is, in his opinion, snubbed, under appreciated and left without sex or nurture, he can easily become a WWB. (Wounded Water Buffalo) He is filled with self pity, anger, sexual frustration and jealousy, none of which can he admit even to himself because it seems so childish, selfish and narcissistic.

So, mom is obsessed with the child or children and dad is obsessed with work, performance and things outside the home. This leads mom to further distance herself from dad and anxiously focus on the children. This is a disaster in the heart and mind of the couple. They are ready to pop.

Who is to blame? What would we say about whose fault the divorce is when another woman comes along who listens to his tale of woe and comforts him? What would you suggest to such a man and such a woman?