Families with Disabled Members

The sick soon come to understand that they live in a different world from that of the well and that the two cannot communicate. Jessamyn West

I am reading a book titled, Wired to Care by Div Patnaik with Peter Mortensen. It is all about the importance of developing empathy with people so you and your business can respond better to their needs. For example, they authors write a great story about a woman did everything she could to make herself "function" like an elderly person. She put all kinds of braces on her arms, tied her self so she could not move with speed and wore glasses with the wrong prescription. It changed her view of being older.

We at Sweeten Life Systems are doing something very similar in our research study of parents with Special Needs children. However, our approach was dramatically different and a much better approach. We gathered a small group of parents with young children who had chronic disabilities and we spent nine months getting to know them. We did not try to BE a parent with a disabled child, we rather tried to be WITH the parents and listen carefully to their real life situations.

Empathy is described by these authors as "Waking in another person's shoes for a mile". But I disagree. It is not actually feeling another person's feelings. It is understanding how that other person thinks and feels and how the two are interrelated.

I also heard the famous author and speaker John Maxwell speak about the issue of empathy. He called it, "Connecting" and gave five rules for doing it. Mr. Maxwell is a good speaker and a prolific writer. His latest book is on this topic but I disagree with his approach because I have seen the research on Empathy and read what people say they want from a caring relationship. Maxwell says we have to find a common ground in order to connect. He related how we can ask a few questions and soon find a common connection to discuss as a bridge to mutual understanding.

After having trained lay and professional Helpers/counselors for thirty years I know that suggestions like these are too easy to slip into a mechanical interaction that is the opposite of Empathy. The real key to connecting with Empathy is to L+I+S+T+E+N

When I listen I can tune in to the hart and soul of another person without questions, probes, tricks or guides. The quiet, listening ear is very powerful. To listen is to be Empathic. It is impossible to be Empathic without it. We sent those twelve families in depth questionnaires about their lives, families, stresses and spiritual lives. We got the answers back and read them carefully and went to their homes for a two hour personal taped interview to follow up on the written part.

We took the interview tape home and watched it to see what we had missed in person. After reading and re reading the questionnaires and watching the videos we started to really understand what the families were living with. This was an in depth exercise in listening.

We did that every month for six months and the results were amazing.The target families began to better understand each other and their entire family system. We started to understand the families and how they thought and felt. it is true Empathy to deeply understand another person's thoughts and feelings. .

If you want a great book on Listening, get mine.

Listening for Heaven's Sake

from Equipping Ministries International and read it. then sign up foe the seminar they put on each year. If you are in ministry, order Hope and Change for Humpty Dumpty from Author House Publishers.

I hope you get the book Wired to care and read it carefully. It gives the rationale for showing Empathy in the work place. It will inspire you to allow yourself to care.