Pain is Inevitable Misery is Optional

The so-called, Self Esteem Movement in America has been a series of unmitigated disasters leading to the development of wimps with depression and fear. It seems that the Self Esteem Movement has attempted to eliminate all short term mental and emotional PAIN and has thereby promulgated long-term misery.

In sports and all other kinds of naturally competitive activities the Self Esteem Movement fanatics see to it that everyone gets credit for winning even if they refuse to show up and compete. The awards ceremonies are filled with non-winners and failures that get honors and awards anyway. Such nonsense tends to develop either adults with a strong dose of cynicism who think all people in authority are dweebs and fakers or conversely those with a hothouse mentality so fragile that they collapse into a heap of self-condemnation at the first sign of a failure.

Far better would be an approach that fostered extreme competition and developed a tough resilient mentality that would not break the first time they were called a bad name. The Self Esteem Movement has led to the development of another American tragedy, the Politically Correct Police and it’s bastard son, Hate Speech Laws.

One day last year a six year old kid called another first grader some kind of bad name. I do not remember exactly what it was but I think it had to do with sexual dysfunction. The offended boy went home and told his mommy who immediately called the school principal and demanded that more protection be placed on the bus so her super-sensitive son would have his ears protected from other little boys name calling.

Unable to get her satisfaction with the principal she went to the school board and demanded more bus police. Can you imagine that her son will not develop the named sexual dysfunction with such an overactive and oppressive mother? Is no one aware of how much such behavior is overkill?

We need kids with hardened ears and resilient brains who will not faint at the first sign of rejection, dislike and conflict. Why are the Self Esteem Movement people teaching kids to give such power to others? Do they not know the old saw “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me?”

Why teach our children that they should allow every jerk to control their feelings and behavior? This develops adults who are only one insensitive jerk away from total collapse and death from a heart attack.

By attempting to nanny pain away we have almost guaranteed the recipients who buy the lies it is built upon a lifetime of misery. Self Esteem Movement robots can only develop mental notes of helplessness, hopelessness and haplessness.

Recovering From My Stinking Thinking

For as long as I can remember I was addicted to Stinking Thinking. That is until I learned I could be healed and set free from the ravages of those Irrational and Self Destructive Thinking Habits. Here is a short history of my getting healed.

I developed a very important but destructive way of motivating myself to achieve more and better results in life especially when dealing with failures. Each time I messed up I would beat myself mentally and emotionally until I was enraged at me for failing. It "worked" to motivate me to do better but it left me an intellectual and emotional and relational cripple.

A couple of years after I finished a Doctorate in Counselor Education at University of Cincinnati I was called the the Holy Spirit through the Elders at College Hill Presbyterian Church to establish an "Equipping Center at the Church. Our focus was to be on Family Life, Small Groups, The Healing Service, Training Lay Helpers and Christian Discipleship. It was a grand vision.

We started by implementing a program to train our members in Genuineness, Respect, Empathy and Warmth, or what researchers call, "The Core Conditions of healthy relationships". On my dissertation I also discovered that they are highly correlated with what scripture calls, "The fruit of the Holy Spirit". We used the newly discovered ideas to produce my first student manual, "Apples of Gold". I still meet people who say they use the "Apples of Gold" skills in daily life.

Alice Petersen came to us from Fuller Seminary as an Intern and Margaret Josephson was a volunteer for us because I was on her Doctoral Committee at UC. They both attended a seminar led by Dr. Maxie Maultsby on Cognitive Therapy. Upon their return, both exclaimed how wonderful it was and how it fit perfectly with scripture.

I read their books and notes and agreed. I immediately saw how the principles of Dr. Maultsby were very close to what the Bible teaches about controlling our moods, feelings and behavior by "Taking every thought captive to Christ".

As I studied those books and studied the Bible I asked Alice and Meg to write up a simple way to bring the two together. Meg was too busy so Alice and Dorothy Geverdt teamed up with me to write a manual that later became Rational Christian Thinking. As I studied scripture and Cognitive Therapy I saw I needed to renew my own mind first.

I am still working on breaking those life long habits of Stinking Thinking but I am much better now than I was in 1982 when we began. Thanks Alice and Meg.

Let God Heal Your Soul

Resting Together

The promises of God about healing the ways we think, feel and act are numerous in the Bible and even more numerous in real life. As John Newton wrote in Amazing Grace, "I once was lost and now I am found; was blind and now I see."

It took a long time after receiving Christ for Newton to get his eyes opened so he saw just how evil the slave trade in which he was a key factor was. He had been a professing Christian for years before God's Holy Spirit got hold of him and convicted him of the sin of selling men and women as if they were cattle.

But Newton did see the light. He did repent and now he is known as a hero of the faith because his testimony has been sung multiplied millions of times. Amazing Grace is the most often recorded song by the most different array of singers, bands and orchestras in history. why? Why are people so infatuated by those words? why are they so powerful that they almost always bring tears to our eyes when we hear it played?

The text and the tune are both powerful. The text is all about getting a second chance or a third or a fourth. No matter how big and strong we are another chance looks good to us because we know our weaknesses and frailties. Some preachers think we need to confront people with their sins. they think too many modern churches have "Watered down the gospel" by offering God's love and grace too much.

I disagree. In my 40 or so years of counseling I have rarely met anyone who was not aware of their weaknesses. That awareness might be so painful and shameful; that they will refuse to look at it fully, but they know they are sinners. They know they have missed the marks in life. They know they need amazing grace but they may NOT know it has a sweet sound. In fact, the preaching they heard was overly strong on the ages of sin and not too much on the wages of grace.

So, John Newton was evidently writing to himself. He knew he was a sinner with an evil heart. He had used female slaves sexually and abused all of them. He had made money off breaking human hearts. Thankfully, God's grace broke in and he tasted the sweet candy of forgiveness and a clean heart.

What is bugging you? Do you need a big dose of God's grace and love? If so, take your medicine. A spoon full of grace will make that medicine go down. Go to God and agree with Him about your needs. He already knows all about your sin so get rid of it immediately.


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Learning to Ruminate

Why do we find Rumination so easy to do and Meditation so hard? Why do we seem to automatically slip into Pessimistic Stinking Thinking when we face any type of Adversity?

Ruminating on Negative Thoughts and Stinking Thinking is so popular and easy to do that we Counselors have an acrostic that describes it. ANTS: Don't let the ANTS get us down. This acrostic stands for

Automatic
Negative
Thoughts

Let's say that your favorite teacher makes a cutting comment to you in front of others. One day while at U. C. I came into contact with one of my favorite Professors of Management. He introduced me this way: "Gary is a country boy trying to be like a city boy". I was crestfallen, embarrassed and hurt.

I was immediately overwhelmed with anger, guilt, remorse, fear and panic and a rush of powerful negative thoughts filled my mind and heart. I smiled awkwardly and left the cafeteria. My mind was racing and I began to Ruminate on all the things that were wrong with me as well as all the bad things I thought he meant by that remark. I could not stop the ANTS from intruding into my head. I was unable to focus on anything else the rest of the day. My Stinking Thinking level was at least an 8.5 on a scale of 10!

My Stinking Thinking and ANT dominated thinking was so powerful that it made me anxious, depressed and skittish all day. I was in a bad mood and was unproductive. The university did not get much out of me after that incident.

Back then I had not learned how to renew my mind. I was very prone to thoughts of blame and shame. I said to myself that "Dr. _____ made me feel badly. he upset me. He made me sad and depressed." I would no longer say things like that to myself. I have learned that my greatest enemy is me! My own Ruminating mind. My very personal Stinking Thinking made me sad.

Until I learned to change my mind, take every thought captive to Christ I was often miserable. I had to decide to trust what God says about me and not worry so much about what other people think. So, I was often miserable. I am rarely miserable now even when other attack or disagree with me. I have come a long way in that regard. (Just ask my wife of 50 years.)

Back then, my wife could make me miserable' my kids could make me miserable; my teachers could make me miserable; even the weather could make me miserable. I was out of control! I gave control of my life to everyone else. I gave others the power to make me feel mad, sad, glad or shame.

Thank God I am changing. Why? Because the Bible tells me so. Why does the Bible tell me to change? Because my old way if thinking made me miserable and God wants me to have joy.

Ruminating on my many weaknesses, fears, problems and possible catastrophes will always lead to misery. Meditation about God and His love, power, truth and wisdom leads to joy. I like my current thinking better.

Only I could change me. I had to stop trying to change my wife and change myself. At first I hated it. It was not fair. She was the problem, I thought. Why was I supposed to change? But it was the only way to be joyful and satisfied and happy in my marriage.

What about you? Whom do you want to change?